There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My friends, they love my intelligence
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
