So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
