Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Randomize
