His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin