i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with