peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
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We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
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Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Hello my rib-scented angel!