Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
and you fell through a lawn chair
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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