Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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