dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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