I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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