I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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