I will die if light touches me.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
