speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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