Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
