well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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