I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
