Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
