my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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