dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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