so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
