No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
