Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
3 2 1 whiskey
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
