Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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