Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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