You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
