Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
