I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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