she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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