this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
