you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
