I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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