she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
