I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
