im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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