My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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