Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
