im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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