I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
