I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
His hands were made for my vagina.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
