My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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