if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize