I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
