***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
