no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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