Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
