Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
