Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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