Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
