I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
