That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
