like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
