ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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