so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
