She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
