I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
