i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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