I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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