She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
