i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
