If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
