a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Your cock deserves a montage
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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