Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
