I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
